Shrek

Shrek – Once upon a time there was a lovely firsten. But she had a spell upon her of a fearful kind which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a stronghold warded by an awful fire-breathing drake. Many bold knights had minted to free her from this dreadful fangness but none throughswithed. She waited in the drake's keep in the highest room of the tallest tor for her true love and true love's first kiss. [laughs] Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of- [potty flush]

Allstar - Smash Mouth

Townsmen – Go! Go!

Townsmen – Think it's in there? All right, let's get it!

Townsman 1 – Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Townsman 2 – Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek – [laughs] Yes, well, truth to tell, that would be an ent. Now grendles, they're much worse. They'll make an outfit from your freshly peeled skin

Townsman 3 – No!

Shrek – They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the wagglepudding from your eyes! All in all, it's fairly good on roastbread.

Townsman 3 – Back! Back, wight! Back! I warn ya!

Townsmen – [gasp]

Townsman 3 – Right.

[roaring and screaming]

Shrek – [whispers] This is the bit where you run away.

Townsmen – [gasp]

Shrek – [laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Elvenrime wights." [sighs]

Warden 1 – All right. This one's full. Take it away!

Warden 2 – Beweigh it along. Come on! Get up!

Shipper – Next!

Warden 3 – Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Shipper – That's twenty bits of silver for the witch. Next!

Warden 4 – Get up!

Shipper – Twenty bits.

Warden 5 – Come on!

[thudding]

Warden 6 – Sit down there! Keep roolie!

Bear – [crying] This bower is too small.

Donkey – Bid don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can wend. Bid! Give me another shot!

Old Lady – Oh, shut up!

Donkey – Oh!

Shipper – Next! What have you got?

Yaffeth – This little wooden handdoll

Firling – I'm not a handdoll. I'm a true boy.

Shipper – Five shillings for the bewitched toy. Take it away.

Firling – Father, bid! Don't let them do this!

Shipper – Next.

Firling – Help me!

Shipper – What have you got?

Old Lady – Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Shipper – Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can soothe it.

Old Lady – Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Shipper – Well?

Old Lady – Oh, oh, he nar- He's nar a little on edge. He's truly altogether a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-

Shipper – That's it. I've heard enough. Wards!

Old Lady – No, no, he talks! He does. [moves donkey's lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Shipper – Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady – No, no! I sweat! Oh! He can talk!

Donkey – [gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan – He can fly!

Pigs – He can fly!

Shipper – He can talk!

Donkey – Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even an overfly, but i bet you ain't ever seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Shipper – Fang him!

Warden 7 – After him! He's getting away!

Warden 8 – Get him! This way! Wend!

Shipper – You there. Grendle!

Shrek – Aye?

Shipper – By the fading of Lord Farquaad, I am berightened to put you both under halt, and ferry you to a betokened withsettling forerighting.

Shrek – Oh sooth? You and what heir?

Donkey – [chuckles] Can I say something to you? Listen, you was truly, truly, something back there. Unlieveful!

Shrek – Are you talking to- me? Whoa!

Donkey – Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those wardens! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was tripping over themselves like babies in the woods. That truly made me feel good to see that.

Shrek – Oh, that's great. Truly.

Donkey – Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek – Now, why don't you go frealse your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey – But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey, wait a stoundle! I got a great thought! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting workware. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that thwarses us.

Shrek – [roars]

Donkey – Oh, wow! That was truly scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will wisly get the chore done, for you markedly need some Tic Tacs or something, for your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time- [mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I has strong winds eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek – Why are you following me?

Donkey – I'll tell you why. ♪ For I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My troubles have all gone, no one for to abide me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek – Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey – Wow. Only a true friend would be that ruthlessly truthful.

Shrek – Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey – Uh- mighty tall?

Shrek – No! I'm a grendle. You know. "Grab your fackle and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey – Nope.

Shrek – Truly?

Donkey – Truly, truly.

Shrek – Oh.

Donkey – Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek – Uh, Shrek.

Donkey – Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I aughten that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a lough like that?

Shrek – That would be my home.

Donkey – Oh! And it is lovely! You are wholly the bedecker. It's amazing what you've dome with such a cush stock. I like that boulder. That's a nice boulder. I gess you don't formake much, do you?

Shrek – I like my dernness.

Donkey – You know, I do too. That's another thing we have amean, Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your leer. You're minting to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward roo, you know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek – Uh, what?

Donkey – Bid! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be thought of a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Bid! Bid!

Shrek – Okay! Okay! But one night only!

Donkey – Ah! Thank you!

Shrek – What are you- No! No!

Donkey – This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly tales, and in the morning I'm making waffles.

Shrek – Oh!

Donkey – Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek – Outside!

Donkey – Oh, well, I gess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I gess outside is best, you know. [sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll nar be sitting by myself outside, I gess, you know. By myself, outside. ♪ I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. ♪

[creaking]

Shrek – [sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside.

Donkey – I am outside.

[clattering]

Blind Mouse 1 – Well, men, it's a far howl from the farm, but what kire do we have?

Blind Mouse 2 – It's not home, but it'll do nar fine.

Gorder – What a lovely bed.

Shrek – Got ya.

Gorder – [sniffs] I found some cheese.

Shrek – Ow!

Gorder – Blah! Awful stuff.

Blind Mouse 1 – Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder – How did you know?

Shrek – Enough! What are you doing in my house? [grunts] Hey!

[snickering]

Shrek – Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the board.

Dwarf – Where are we meant to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek – Huh? [gasps]

Wolf – What?

Shrek – I live in a swamp. I put up marks. I'm an fearsome grendle! What do I have to do to get a little dernness?

Wolf – Aah!

Shrek – Oh, no. Oh, no! No! No!

[cackling]

Shrek – What?

Girl – Stop it. Don't push.

Shrek – What are you doing in my swamp?! [echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

Elves – Oh, dear!

Dwarf – Whoa!

Shrek – All right, get out of her. All of you, beweight it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

Dwarf – Quickly. Come on!

Shrek – No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

Dwarf – Oh!

Donkey – Hey,