Shrek is a 2001 film made by Dreamworks

Film Leeth Edit

Shrek – Once upon a time there was a lovely fursten. But she had a spell upon her of a fearful kind which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a chestel warded by an awful fire-breathing drake. Many bold knights had minted to free her from this dreadful fangness but none throughswithed. She bided in the drake's keep in the highest room of the tallest tor for her true love and true love's first kiss. [laughs] Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of- [potty flush]

Allstar - Smash Mouth

Townsmen – Go! Go!

Townsmen – Think it's in there? All right, let's get it!

Townsman 1 – Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Townsman 2 – Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek – [laughs] Yes, well, truth to tell, that would be a thurse. Now grendles, they're much worse. They'll make an outfit from your freshly peeled skin

Townsman 3 – No!

Shrek – They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the wagglepudding from your eyes! All in all, it's fairly good on roastbread.

Townsman 3 – Back! Back, wilder! Back! I warn ya!

Townsmen – [gasp]

Townsman 3 – Right.

[roaring and screaming]

Shrek – [whispers] This is the bit where you run away.

Townsmen – [gasp]

Shrek – [laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Elvenrime wights." [sighs]

Warden 1 – All right. This one's full. Take it away!

Warden 2 – Beweigh it along. Come on! Get up!

Shipper – Next!

Warden 3 – Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Shipper – That's twenty bits of silver for the witch. Next!

Warden 4 – Get up!

Shipper – Twenty bits.

Warden 5 – Come on!


Warden 6 – Sit down there! Keep roolie!

Bear – [crying] This bower is too small.

Donkey – Kindly don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can wend. Kindly! Give me another shot!

Old Lady – Oh, shut up!

Donkey – Oh!

Shipper – Next! What have you got?

Yaffeth – This little wooden handdoll

Firling – I'm not a handdoll. I'm a true boy.

Shipper – Five shillings for the bewitched toy. Take it away.

Firling – Father, kindly! Don't let them do this!

Shipper – Next.

Firling – Help me!

Shipper – What have you got?

Old Lady – Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Shipper – Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can soothe it.

Old Lady – Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Shipper – Well?

Old Lady – Oh, oh, he nar- He's nar a little on edge. He's truly altogether a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-

Shipper – That's it. I've heard enough. Wards!

Old Lady – No, no, he talks! He does. [moves donkey's lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Shipper – Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady – No, no! I sweat! Oh! He can talk!

Donkey – [gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan – He can fly!

Pigs – He can fly!

Shipper – He can talk!

Donkey – Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even an overfly, but i bet you ain't ever seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Shipper – Fang him!

Warden 7 – After him! He's getting away!

Warden 8 – Get him! This way! Wend!

Shipper – You there. Grendle!

Shrek – Aye?

Shipper – By the fading of Lord Farquaad, I am berightened to put you both under halt, and ferry you to a betokened withsettling forerighting.

Shrek – Oh sooth? You and what heer?

Donkey – [chuckles] Can I say something to you? Listen, you was truly, truly, something back there. Unlieveful!

Shrek – Are you talking to- me? Whoa!

Donkey – Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those wardens! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was tripping over themselves like babies in the woods. That truly made me feel good to see that.

Shrek – Oh, that's great. Truly.

Donkey – Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek – Now, why don't you go frealse your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey – But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey, bide a stoundle! I got a great thought! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting sare. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that thwarses us.

Shrek – [roars]

Donkey – Oh, wow! That was truly scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will wisly get the chore done, for you markedly need some Tic Tacs or something, for your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time- [mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I has strong winds eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek – Why are you following me?

Donkey – I'll tell you why. ♪ For I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My troubles have all gone, no one for to abide me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek – Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey – Wow. Only a true friend would be that ruthlessly truthful.

Shrek – Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey – Uh- mighty tall?

Shrek – No! I'm a grendle. You know. "Grab your fackle and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey – Nope.

Shrek – Truly?

Donkey – Truly, truly.

Shrek – Oh.

Donkey – Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek – Uh, Shrek.

Donkey – Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I aughten that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a lough like that?

Shrek – That would be my home.

Donkey – Oh! And it is lovely! You are wholly the bedecker. It's amazing what you've done with such a cush stock. I like that boulder. That's a winly boulder. I gess you don't formake much, do you?

Shrek – I like my dernness.

Donkey – You know, I do too. That's another thing we have amean, Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your leer. You're minting to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward roo, you know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek – Uh, what?

Donkey – Kindly! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be thought of a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Kindly! Kindly!

Shrek – Okay! Okay! But one night only!

Donkey – Ah! Thank you!

Shrek – What are you- No! No!

Donkey – This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly tales, and in the morning I'm making waffles.

Shrek – Oh!

Donkey – Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek – Outside!

Donkey – Oh, well, I gess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I gess outside is best, you know. [sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll nar be sitting by myself outside, I gess, you know. By myself, outside. ♪ I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. ♪


Shrek – [sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside.

Donkey – I am outside.


Blind Mouse 1 – Well, men, it's a far howl from the farm, but what kire do we have?

Blind Mouse 2 – It's not home, but it'll do well enough.

Gorder – What a lovely bed.

Shrek – Got ya.

Gorder – [sniffs] I found some cheese.

Shrek – Ow!

Gorder – Blah! Awful ware.

Blind Mouse 1 – Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder – How did you know?

Shrek – Enough! What are you doing in my house? [grunts] Hey!


Shrek – Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the beed.

Dwarf – Where are we meant to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek – Huh? [gasps]

Wolf – What?

Shrek – I live in a swamp. I put up marks. I'm an fearsome grendle! What do I have to do to get a little dernness?

Wolf – Aah!

Shrek – Oh, no. Oh, no! No! No!


Shrek – What?

Girl – Stop it. Don't push.

Shrek – What are you doing in my swamp?! [echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

Puckles – Oh, dear!

Dwarf – Whoa!

Shrek – All right, get out of here. All of you, beweight it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

Dwarf – Quickly. Come on!

Shrek – No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

Dwarf – Oh!

Shrek – [sighs]

Donkey – Hey, don't look at me. I didn't call upon them.

Firling – Oh, gosh, no one called upon us.

Shrek – What?

Firling – We were twinged to come here.

Shrek – By who?

Pig – Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... underwrote a fordriving beaughtening.

Shrek – [sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?


Donkey – Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek – Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

Donkey – Me! Me!

Shrek – Anyone?

Donkey – Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me! Me!

Shrek – Okay, all right. Bemark, all elvenrime things. Do not get froversome. Your welcome is reevely worn out. In truth, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my and and back where you came from!


Shrek – Oh! You! You're coming with me.

Donkey – All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalward friends, off on a whirlwind big-stead rose. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.

Dwarf – Hey. Oh, oh!

Donkey – ♪ I can't bide to get on the road again. ♪

Shrek – What did I say about singing?

Donkey – Well, can I whistle?

Shrek – No.

Donkey – Well, can I hum it?

Shrek – All right, hum it.

Donkey – [humming]

Farquaad – That's enough. He's ready to talk.


Farquaad – [laughs] [sheers throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

Gingy – You're a fifle.

Farquaad – I'm not the fifle here. You are.You and the rest of that elvenrime trash, attering my flawless world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?

Gingy – Eat me!

Farquaad – I've tried to be fair to you wights. Now my thild has reached its end! Tell me or I'll-

Gingy – No, no, not the knaps. Not my gumdrop knaps.

Farquaad – All right then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy – Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Farquaad – The muffin man?

Gingy – The muffin man.

Farquaad – Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy – Well, she's wedded to the muffin man.

Farquaad – The muffin man?

Gingy – The muffin man!

Farquaad – She's wedded to the muffin man.

Shipper – My Lord! We found it.

Farquaad – Then what are you biding for? Bring it in.

Gingy – Oh!

Farquaad – Galder Lookingglass-

Gingy – Don't tell him anything! No!

Farquaad – Evening. Lookingglass, Lookingglass, on the wall. Is this not the most flawless king of all?

Lookingglass – Well, craftily you're not a king.

Farquaad – Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?

Lookingglass – What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is wed a fursten.

Farquaad – Go on.

Lookingglass – [chuckles] So, nar sit back and unwind, my lord, for it's time for you to meet today's wedworthy maidens. And here they are! Maiden tale one is a mindly misbidden shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her tidefordrives inhold cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Kindly welcome Sinderley. Maiden tale two is a mantle-wearing girl from the land of dandy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not eathy. Nar kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but wisly not least, maiden tale three is a fiery redhead from a drake-warded chestel umbeset by hot boiling barrowquick! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded handgun who likes mashed firapple and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the nerrying, Fursten Fiona! So will it be, maiden tale one, maiden tale two or maiden tale three>

Wardens – Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

Farquaad – Three? One? [shudders] Three?

Thelonius – Three! Pick tale three, my lord!

Farquaad – Okay, okay, uh, tale three!

Lookingglass – Lord Farquaad you've chosen Fursten Fiona.

Escape - Rupert Holmes

Farquaad – Fursten Fiona. She's flawless. All i have to do is nar find someone who can go-

Lookingglass – But I should most likely bring up the little thing that happens at night.

Farquaad – I'll do it.

Lookingglass – Yes, but after sunset-

Farquaad – Beroo! I will make this Fursten Fiona my queen, and Duloc will at last have the flawless king! Shipper, gather your best men. We're going to have a wedbewharve.

Donkey – But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

Shrek – So, that must be Lord Farquaad's chestel.

Donkey – Uh-huh. That's the lough.

Shrek – Do you think maybe he's making up for something? [laughs]

Donkey – [groans] Hey, bide. Bide up, Shrek.

Man – Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry

Shrek – Hey, you!


Shrek – Bide a tick. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I nar- I nar-

Shrek – It's roolie. Too roolie. Where is everybody?

Donkey – Hey, look at this!

Wooden Folk – ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a flawless town. Here was have some laws, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, never yell and we'll get along well, Duloc is a flawless lough. Kindly keep off the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... leer. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a flawless lough! ♪

Donkey – Wow! Let's do that again!

Shrek – No. No. No, no, no! No.

Farquaad – Bold knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall soothe himself-

Shrek – All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Donkey – Sorry about that.

Farquaad – That winner shall have the are- no, no- the sundergift, to go forth and nerry the lovely Fursten Fiona, from the fiery keep of the drake. If for any sake said winner is unspeedful, the first runner-up will take his lough, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a bloot I am willing to make.


Farquaad – Let the wedbewharve begin!


Knight 1 – Oh!

Farquaad – What is that?


Farquaad – It's sickening!

Shrek – Ah, that's not very kind. It's nar a donkey.

Donkey – Huh?

Farquaad – Indeed. Knights, new howe! The one who kills the grendle will be named winner! Have at him!

Knight 2 – Get him!

Shrek – Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

Woman – Go ahead! Get him!

Shrek – Can't we nar settle this over an eighth?

Knight 3 – Kill the wilder!

Shrek – No? All right then. Come on!

Bad Reputation by Halfcocked

Knight 4 – Damn!

Donkey – Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek – Ah! [laughs] Yeah!

Woman – The seat! Give him the seat!

Shrek – [laughs] Oh, Yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you mighty much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the calf! Ha, ha! [laughs]

Warden 9 – Shall I give the fading, har?

Farquaad – No, I have a better thought. Folk of Duloc, I give you our winner!

Shrek – What?

Farquaad – Well done, grendle. You've won the are of setting sail on a great and athel fare.

Shrek – Fare? I'm already on a fare, a fare to get my swamp back.

Farquaad – Your swamp?

Shrek – Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those elvenrime wights!

Farquaad – Indeed. All right grendle, I'll make you a deal. Go on this fare for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

Shrek – Narrowkirily the way it was?

Farquaad – Down to the last slime-overspread toadstool.

Shrek – And the housebesetters?

Farquaad – As good as gone.

Shrek – What kind of fare?

Donkey – Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a drake, and nerry a fursten nar so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have forwhy he filled it full of freaks in the first lough. Is that about right?

Shrek – Maybe there's a good sake donkeys shouldn't talk.

Donkey – I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you nar pull some of that grendle ware on him? Throttle him, lay slaught to his stronghold, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole grendle trip.

Shrek – Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have beheaded a whole thorp, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their flowings. Does that swey good to you?

Donkey – Uh, no, not truly, no.

Shrek – For your knowledge, there's a lot more to grendles than folk think.

Donkey – Such as?

Shrek – Such as? Okay, um, grendles are like chipes.

Donkey – [sniffs] They stink?

Shrek – Yes- No!

Donkey – They make you weep?

Shrek – No!

Donkey – Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs.

Shrek – No! Layers! Chipes have layers. Grendles have layers! Chipes have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [sighs]

Donkey – Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs] You know, not everybody likes chipes. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

Shrek – I don't care... what everybody likes. Grendles are not like cakes.

Donkey – You know what everybody likes? Swottle-ice. Have you ever met a lede, you say, "Let's get some swottle-ice," they say, "No, I don't like swottle-ice?" Swottle-ice is smatchful.

Shrek – No! You thick, irksome, tiny wilder of burden! Grendles are like Chipes! End of tale. Bye-bye. See ya later.

Donkey – Swottle-ice may be the most smatchful thing on the whole damn tungle.

Shrek – You know what, I think I forchose your humming.

Donkey – Do you have a napkin or something? I'm making a mess. Nar the word swottle-ice makes me start slobbering.

I'm on my way - The Proclaimers

Donkey – Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you nar crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

Shrek – Believe me, Donkey, it it was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

Donkey – Year, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either.

Shrek – Wis, it's big enough, but look at the whereabouts. [laughs]

Donkey – Uh, Shrek? Uh, withcall when you said that- that grendles have layers?

Shrek – Oh, aye.

Donkey – Well, I have a bit of a shrift to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

Shrek – Bide a tick. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

Donkey – You know what I mean.

Shrek – Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

Donkey – No, I'm nar a little unfroversome being on a tottering bridge over a boiling lake of barrowquick!

Shrek – Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For fellingsome stut, we'll nar tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

Donkey – Truly?

Shrek – Truly, truly.

Donkey – Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

Shrek – Nar keep beweighing. And don't look down.

Donkey – Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on beweighing. Don't look down. [gasps] Shrek! I'm looking down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Nar let me off right now, kindly!

Shrek – But you're already Halfway.

Donkey – Yeah but I know that half is safe!

Shrek – Okay, all right. I don't have time for this. You go back.

Donkey – Shrek, no! Bide!

Shrek – Nar, Donkey- Come on. Let's have a frike then, shall we?

Donkey – Don't do that!

Shrek – Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?

Donkey – Yes, that!

Shrek – Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

Donkey – [screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

Shrek – You said do it! I'm doing it.

Donkey – I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

Shrek – That'll do Donkey, That'll do.

Donkey – Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

Shrek – Inside, biding for us to nerry her.

Donkey – [chuckles] I was talking about the drake, Shrek.

[water dripping and wind howling]

Donkey – [whispering] You afraid?

Shrek – No, but- Shh.

Donkey – Oh, good. Me neither. [gasps] For there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a forstandy answer to an unhewcouth standing. Unhewcouth plightful standing, I might eke, with a drake that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it wis doesn't mean you're a wimp if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I wis as heck ain't no wimp. I know that. [gasps]

Shrek – Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Donkey – Stairs? I thought I was looking for the fursten.

Shrek – The fursten will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tor.

Donkey – What makes you think she'll be there?

Shrek – I read it in a book once.

Donkey – Cool. You handle the drake, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.


Donkey – I'm gonna take swingeing steps. Kick it to the hemstone. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair reeve. I've reeved the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here, I'd step all over it.

Shrek – Well, at least we know where the fursten is, but where's the-

Donkey – Drake! [screams]


Shrek – Donkey, look out! [shouts]

Donkey – [screams]

Shrek – Got ya!


Shrek – [shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [screams]

Donkey – [gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [gasps]


Donkey – No. Oh, no. No! [screams] Oh, what stour teeth you have.


Donkey – I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you most likely hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach youself, for that is one dazzling smile you got there. And do I catch a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're- You're a girl drake! Oh, wis! I mean, sicker you're a girl drake. For you're nar reeking a wifely fairness. What's up with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd truly love to stay but, you know, I'm uh- [coughs] I'm an angbreaster, and I don't know if it's work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and all. Shrek! [whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!


Fiona – Oh! Oh!

Shrek – Wake up!

Fiona – What?

Shrek – Are you Fursten Fiona?

Fiona – I am, abiding a knight so bild as to nerry me.

Shrek – Oh, that's lovely. Now let's go!

Fiona – But bide, Har Knight. This beeth our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful lovesome thraw?

Shrek – Yeah, sorry lady. There's no time.

Fiona – Hey, bide. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feed, out yonder window and down a rope onto your stalwart steed.

Shrek – You've had a lot of time to howe this, haven't you?

Fiona – Mm-Hmm. [screams, grunts] But we have to make the most of this thraw! You could reel off a lofty leeth for me. A frikeyed? A songleeth! A limerick? Or something!

Shrek – I don't think so.

Fiona – Can I at least know the name of my winner?

Shrek – Um, Shrek.

Fiona – Har, Shrek. [sheens throat] I bean that you take this kindness as a token of my thankfulness.

Shrek – Thanks!


Fiona – You didn't slay the drake?

Shrek – It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!

Fiona – [screams] But this isn't right! You were meant to onrush in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

Shrek – Yeah right before they burst into blaze.

Fiona – That's not the sake. Oh! Bide. Where are you going ? The outgang's over there.

Shrek – Well, I have to nerry my ass.

Fiona – What kind of knight are you?

Shrek – One of a kind.

Donkey – Slow down. Slow down, baby, kindly. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long span of time. Nar call me old-timey, you know. [laughs] I don't rush into a bodily kinship. I'm not feelingsomely ready for a betaking of, uh, this- micklehood truly is the word I'm looking for. Mickleness- Hey, that is unwanted bodily rining. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's nar back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we truly should get to know each other first as friends or maybe writler buddies. For I'm on the road a lot, but I nar love fanging logs, and- I'd truly love to stay but- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my own tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give leave to- Bide. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh!


Donkey – Hi, Fursten!

Fiona – It talks!

Shrek – Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

Donkey – Shrek!


Shrek – Oh! [groans]


Shrek – Okay, you two! Head for the outgang! I'll take care of the drake. Run!




Fiona – You did it! You nerried me! You're amazing. You're- You're wonderful. You're... a little unherecomely I'll acknowledge. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am forever in your shild.

Donkey – [sheens throat]

Fiona – And where would a bold knight be without his athel steed?

Donkey – All right, I hope you heard that. She called me an athel steed. She think I'm an athel steed.

Fiona – [laughs] The hild is won. You may take off your helm, good Har Knight.

Shrek – Uh, no.

Fiona – Why not?

Shrek – I have helm hair.

Fiona – Kindly. I wouldst look upon the leer of my nerrier .

Shrek – No, no, you wouldn't- 'st.

Fiona – But how will you kiss me?

Shrek – What? That wasn't in the chore bewriting.

Donkey – Maybe it's a foredeal.

Fiona – No, it's orlay. Oh you must know how it goes. A fursten locked in a tor and beset by a drake, is nerried by a bold knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.

Donkey – Hmm? With Shrek? You think- Bide. Bide. You think that Shrek is your true love?

Fiona – Well, yes.


Donkey – You think Shrek is your true love!

Fiona – What is so funny?

Shrek – Let's nar say I'm not your ilk, okay?

Fiona – Sicker you are. You're my nerrier. Now- Now take off your helm.

Shrek – Look. I truly don't think this is a good thought.

Fiona – Just take off the helm.

Shrek – I'm not going to.

Fiona – Take it off.

Shrek – No!

Fiona – Now!

Shrek – Okay! Eathy. As you behest, Your Highness.

Fiona – You- You're a- a grendle.

Shrek – Oh, you were hoping for Furst Charming.

Fiona – Well, yes, in truth. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not meant to be a grendle.

Shrek – Fursten, I was sent to nerry you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He's the one who wants to wed you.

Fiona – Then why didn't he come nerry me?

Shrek – Good fraining. You should ask him that when we get there.

Fiona – But I have to be nerried by my true love, not by some grendle and his- his pet.

Donkey – Well, so much for athel steed.

Shrek – Look, Fursten. You're not making my chore any eathier.

Fiona – Well, I'm sorry, but your chore is not my trouble. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to nerry me rightly, I'll be biding for him right here.

Shrek – Hey! I'm no one's boder boy, all right? I'm an aleasing boy.

Fiona – You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

Shrek – Ya coming, Donkey?

Donkey – I'm right behind ya.

Fiona – Put me down, or you will thole the outcomes! This is not worthful! Put me down! [screams]

Donkey – Okay, so here's another fraining. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't truly like her that way. Now, how do you let her down good and eathy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? How you do that?

Fiona – You nar tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your- Hey! [sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.

Donkey – Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Fursten. It's beautiful!

Fiona – And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

Shrek – Well, let me put it this way, Fursten. Men of Farquaad's bodygrete are in short stock. [laughs]

Donkey – I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.


Fiona – Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're nar andy you can never mete up to a great reder like Lord Farquaad.

Shrek – Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Fursten. But I'll let you do the "meting" when you see him tomorrow.

Fiona – Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

Shrek – No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

Fiona – But there's robbers in the woods.

Donkey – Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's markedly starting to swey good.

Shrek – Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this weald.

Fiona – I need to find somewhere to camp now!

[bird wings fluttering]

Shrek – [grunts] Hey! Over here.

Donkey – Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a Fursten.

Fiona – No, no, it's flawless. It nar need a few homey rines.

Shrek – Homey rines? Like what?


Fiona – A door? Well, fellows, I bid thee good night.

Donkey – You want me to read you a bedtime tale? I will.

Fiona – I said good night!

Donkey – Shrek, what are you doing?

Shrek – [laughs] I nar- You know- Oh, come on. I was nar kidding.

[fire crackling]

Shrek – And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only grendle to ever spit over three wheat fields.

Donkey – Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my tocome from these stars?

Shrek – The stars don't tell the tocome, Donkey. They tell tales. Look, there's Bloodnut, the windful. You can gess what he's famous for.

Donkey – All right, now I know you're making this up.

Shrek – No, look. There he is, and there's the band of hunters running away from his stench.

Donkey – Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.

Shrek – You know Donkey, sometimes things are more than they seem. Hmm? Forget it.

Donkey – [sighs] Hey, Shrek, what are we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

Shrek – Ou- Our swamp?

Donkey – You know, when we're through nerrying the fursten and all that ware.

Shrek – We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's nar me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-food wall about my land.

Donkey – You cut me deep, Shrek. Tou cut me good and deep nar now. Hey, you know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is nar a way to keep somebody out.

Shrek – No, do ya think?

Donkey – Are you hiding something?

Shrek – Never mind, Donkey

Donkey – Oh, this is another one of those chipe things, isn't it?

Shrek – No, this is one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.

Donkey – Well, why don't you want to talk about it?

Shrek – Why do you want to talk about it?

Donkey – Well, why are you cleating?

Shrek – I'm not cleating.

Donkey – Oh, yes, you are.

Shrek – Donkey, I'm warning you.

Donkey – Who you trying to keep out? Nar tell me that, Shrek, who?

Shrek – Everyone! Okay?

Donkey – Oh, now we're getting somewhere.

Shrek – Oh! For the love of Pete!

Donkey – What's your trouble? What you got against the whole world anyway, huh?

Shrek – Look, I'm not the one with the trouble, okay? It's the whole world that seems to have a trouble with me. Folk take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, dumb, ugly grendle!" [sighs] They hiler me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

Donkey – You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was nar a big, dumb, ugly grendle.

Shrek – Yeah, I know.

Donkey – So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

Shrek – Well, there's, um, Gabby, the small and irksome.

Donkey – Okay, okay, I see it- I see it now, yeah. The big shining one, right there, right?. That- that- that one there?

Shrek – That's the moon.

Donkey – Oh, okay.

Farquaad – Again. Show me again.

[soon stops, backwinds]

Farquaad – Lookingglass, Lookingglass, show her to me. Show me the fursten.

Lookingglass – Hmph.

[backwinds, withplays]

Farquaad – Ah. Flawless. [breathes in]

Fiona – [singing]

[bird sings]

Fiona – [singing]

[bird sings]

Fiona – [singing]

[bird sings]

Fiona – [singing]

[bird sings]

Fiona – [singing]

[bird sings]

[pops, sizzles]

Donkey – Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Mmm, come on baby, come on. I said I like it.

Shrek – Donkey, wake up.

Donkey – Huh? What?

Shrek – Wake up.

Donkey – What?

Fiona – Good morning. Um, how do you like your eggs?

Donkey – Oh! Good morning, Fursten!

Shrek – What's all this about?

Fiona – You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday and wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did nerry me.

Shrek – Uh, thanks.

Donkey – [sniffs]

Fiona – Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

Shrek – [belches]

Donkey – Shrek!

Shrek – What? It's a sweaseness. Better out than in, I always say. [laughs]

Donkey – Well, it's no way to behave in before a fursten.

Fiona – [belches] Thanks.

Donkey – She's as nasty as you are.

Shrek – [laughs] You know, you're not fully what I forsaw.

Fiona – Maybe you shouldn't hiler folk before you get to know them. [singing]

Monsieur Hood – La Liberté! Hey!

Shrek – Fursten!

Monsieur Hood – [laughs]

Fiona – Uh. Bide! Bide! What are you doing?!

Monsieur Hood – Be still, mon cherie, for I am your nerrier! And I am nerrying you from this green [kissing] wilder.

Shrek – Hey! That's my fursten! Go find your own!

Monsieur Hood – Ah! Kindly, fifle! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

Fiona – Ugh. Look, bud, I don't know who you think you are-

Monsieur Hood – Oh! Sicker! Oh, how uncouth ah la la. Kindly let me forestell myself. Oh, Merry Men! [laughs]


Merry Men – ♪ Ta, darah, tah, tah, whoo! ♪

Monsieur Hood – ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪

Man – ♪ He takes a few hundredths. ♪

Monsieur Hood – ♪ But I'm not greedy. I nerry pretty ladies. Man, I'm good. ♪

Merry Men – ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪

Monsieur Hood – ♪ Break it down. I like an open fight and a freaky little maid. ♪

Merry Men – ♪ What he's all in allsaying is he never gets- ♪

Monsieur Hood – ♪ Flayed. ♪

Merry Men – ♪ So. ♪

Monsieur Hood – ♪ When a bit of grendle scum grabs a lady by the bum, that's bad. ♪

Merry Men – ♪ That's bad. That's bad. That's bad. That's bad. ♪

Monsieur Hood – ♪ When a fair girl's with a wilder it makes me awfully mad. ♪

Merry Men – ♪ He's mad. He's truly, truly mad. ♪

Monsieur Hood – ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys for I'm about to start! ♪ [grunts]

Fiona – [yells] [panting] Man, that was irksome!

Man – Oh, you little-

Donkey – [screams]

Fiona – [yells]


Fiona – [chuckles] Um, shall we?

Shrek – Hold the blower.

Donkey – [grunts]

Shrek – Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

Fiona – What?

Shrek – That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

Fiona – Well- [chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a- There's an arrow in your butt!

Shrek – What? Oh, would you look at that?

Fiona – Oh, no. Th- This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

Donkey – Why? What's wrong?

Fiona – Shrek's harmed.

Donkey – Shrek's harmed. Shrek's harmed? On, no! Shrek's gonna die.

Shrek – Donkey, I'm okay.

Donkey – Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs up high. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Hamly?

Fiona – Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blow blossom with red thorns.

Donkey – Blow blossom, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blow blossom, red thorns. Blow blossom, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long going, stay away from the light!

Shrek and Fiona – Donkey!

Donkey – Oh, yeah. Right. Blow blossom, red thorns. Blow blossom, red thorns.

Shrek – What are the blossoms for?

Fiona – For getting rid of Donkey.

Shrek – Ah.

Fiona – Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

Shrek – Ow! Hey! Eathy with the yanking.

Fiona – I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

Shrek – No, no, it's nesh. Would ya- What you're doing is the withersake of help.

Fiona – Don't shift.

Shrek – Okay, look, look, time out.

Fiona – Would you- [grunts] Okay. What do you put forth we do?

Donkey – Blow blossom, red thorns. Blow blossom, red thorns. Blow blossom, red thorns. This would be so much eathier if I wasn't farbblind! Blow blossom, red thorns. Blow blossom, red thorns.

Shrek – Ow!

Donkey – Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming!

Shrek – Ow! Not good.

Fiona – Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

Shrek – [grunts]

Fiona – It's nar about-

Shrek – Ow! Ohh!

Donkey – Ahem.

Shrek – Nothing happened. We were nar, uh-

Donkey – Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?

Shrek – Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The fursten here was nar- Ugh! Ow!

Donkey – Hey, what's that? [on edge chuckle] That's- Is that blood? [sighs]

My Beloved Monster - Eels

Donkey – Aah! [grunts]



Fiona – Hey!


Shrek – There it is, Fursten. Your tocome abides you.

Fiona – That's Duloc?

Donkey – Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's making up for something, which I think means he has a truly- Ow!

Shrek – Um, I, uh- I gess we better get a move on.

Fiona – Wis. But Shrek? I'm- I'm worried about Donkey.

Shrek – What?

Fiona – I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

Donkey – What are you talking about? I'm well.

Fiona – Well, that's what they always say, and then- then the next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.

Shrek – You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

Fiona – Oh, you know what? I'll make you some leafbrew.

Donkey – Well I didn't want to say nothing, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I wend my head like this, look: [bones crunching] Ow! See?

Shrek – Who's hungry? I'll find us some mese.

Fiona – I'll get the firewood.

Donkey – Hey, where're you going? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

Fiona – Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is truly good. What is this?

Shrek – Uh, weedrat. Spit-roasted.

Fiona – No kidding. Well, this is smatchful.

Shrek – Well, they're also great in hotpots. Now, I don't mean to brad, but I make a mean weedrat hotpot. [chuckling]

Fiona – [sighs] I gess I'll be mesing a little sunderly tomorrow night.

Shrek – [gulps] Maybe you can come beseek me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of ware for you. Swamptoad broth, rawground fish eye- you name it.

Fiona – [chuckles] I'd like that.

Shrek – [slurps] [laughs] Um, Fursten?

Fiona – Yes, Shrek?

Shrek – I, um, I was wondering. Are you- uh- Are you gonna eat that? [chuckles]

Donkey – Man, isn't this lovesome? Nar look at that sunset?

Fiona – Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I- It's sorely late.

Shrek – What?

Donkey – Wait a stoundle. I see what's going on here. You're afeard of the dark, aren't you?

Fiona – Yes! yes, that's it. I'm frightened. You know, I'd better go inside.

Donkey – Don't feel bad, Fursten. I was formerly afeard of the dark too, ooth- Hey, no, bide. I'm still afeard of the dark.

Shrek – [sighs]

Fiona – Good night.

Shrek – Good night.

[door creaks]

Donkey – Ohh! Now I truly see what's going on here.

Shrek – Oh, what are you talking about?

Donkey – Hey, I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm a deer, and I got thravings. I know that you two are digging on each other. I could feel it.

Shrek – Oh, you're crazy. I'm nar bringing her back to Farquaad.

Donkey – Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the bearspurs. Nar go on in and tell her how you feel.

Shrek – I- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know- I'm not saying I do, for I don't- she's a fursten, and I'm-

Donkey – A grendle?

Shrek – Yeah. A grendle.

Donkey – Hey, where you going?

Shrek – To get... more firewood. [sighs]

Donkey – Fursten? Fursten Fiona? Fursten, where are you?

[wings fluttering]

Donkey – Fursten?


Donkey – [gasps] It's mighty spooky in here. I don't like playing no games.

Fiona – [screams] [grunts]

Donkey – Aah!

Fiona – No! No!

Donkey – Oh, no! Help!

Fiona – Shh!

Donkey – Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Fiona – No, it's okay. It's okay.

Donkey – What did you do with the fursten?

Fiona – Donkey, shh, I'm the fursten.

Donkey – Aah!

Fiona – It's me in this body.

Donkey – Oh, my God! You ate the fursten! Can you hear me?

Fiona – Donkey!

Donkey – Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

Fiona – No!

Donkey – Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Fiona – Shh.

Donkey – Shrek!

Fiona – This is me.

Donkey – [muffled mumbling] Fursten? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, suh, sundry.

Fiona – I'm ugly okay?

Donkey – Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? For I told Shrek those rats was a bad thought. You are what you eat, I said. Now-

Fiona – No. I- I've been this way as long as I can withcall.

Donkey – What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

Fiona – It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the rightline, ooth you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true shine."

Donkey – Ah, that's lovely. I didn't know you wrote leethcraft.

Fiona – It's a spell. [sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This dreadful ugly wilder! I was put in a tor to abide the day my true love would nerry me. That's why I have to wed Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [sobs]

Donkey – All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. And, well- well you- well you- I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

Fiona – But, Donkey, I'm a fursten, and this is not how a fusten is meant to look.

Donkey – Fursten, how 'bout if you don't wed Farquaad?

Fiona – I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

Donkey – But, you know, um, you're kind of a grendle, and Shrek- well, you got a lot in mean.

Fiona – Shrek?

Shrek – Fursten, I- Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this blossom and thought of you for it's pretty and- well, I don't truly like it, but I thought you might like it for you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd- uh, uh- [sighs] I'm in trouble. okay, here we go.

Fiona – I can't nar wed whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, truly, who could ever love a wilder so foul and ugly? "Fursten" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only hope to live happily ever after is to wed my true love.

Shrek – [sighs deeply]

Fiona – Don't you see, Donkey? That's nar how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.

Donkey – You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

Fiona – No! No! You can't breathe a word. No one muse ever now.

Donkey – What's the sake of being dow to talk if you gotta keep derns?

Fiona – Swear you won't tell. Swear!

Donkey – All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I nar know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of heavy behandling. Look at my eye twitching. [snores]

Fiona – I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want-

Donkey – [snores]

Fiona – Shrek. Are you all right?

Shrek – Flawless! Never been better.

Fiona – I- I don't- There's something I have to tell you.

Shrek – You don't have to tell me anything, Fursten. I heard enough last night.

Fiona – You heard what I said?

Shrek – Every word.

Fiona – I thought you'd understand.

Shrek – Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a foul, ugly wilder?"

Fiona – But I thought that wouldn't mean anything to you.

Shrek – Yeah? Well it does.

Fiona – [sighs]

[horse whinnies]

Shrek – Ah, right on time. Fursten, I've brought you a little something.


Donkey – [groans] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

Farquaad – Fursten Fiona.

Shrek – As sworn. Now hand it over.

Farquaad – Fulwell, grendle. The deed to your swamp, sheered out, as thaved. Take it and go before I wend my mind. Forgive me, Fursten, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such gleaming sheen before. I am Lord Farquaad.

Fiona – Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

Farquaad – [snaps fingers]

Fiona – Forgive me, my lord, for I was nar saying, a short, farewell.

Farquaad – That's so sweet. You don't have to blow off good ways on the grendle. It's not like it has feelings.

Fiona – No, you're right. It doesn't.

Farquaad – Fursten Fiona, sheen, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in wedding.

Fiona – [gasps]

Farquaad – Will you be the flawless bride for the flawless groom?

Fiona – Lord Farquaad, I thware. Nothing would make-

Farquaad – Wonderful! I'll start the howes, for tomorrow we wed!

Fiona – No! I mean, uh, why bide? Let's get wedded today before the sun sets.

Farquaad – Oh, overwrought, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the forcaring, the cake, the band, the gest list. Shipper, gather up some gests!

Fiona – Fare-thee-well, grendle.

Donkey – Shrek, what are tou doing? You're letting her get away.

Shrek – Yeah? So what?

Donkey – Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's-

Shrek – I know you talked to her last night. You're great buds, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

Donkey – But, Shrek, I- I wanna go with you.

Shrek – Hey, I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Above all brookless, rueful, irksome, talking donkeys!

Donkey – But I thought-

Shrek – Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!

Donkey – Shrek...

Hallelujah - John Cale


Shrek – Donkey?

Donkey – [grunts]

Shrek – What are you doing?

Donkey – I would think, of all folk, you would acknow a wall when you see one.

Shrek – Well, yeah. But the wall's meant to go about my swamp, not through it.

Donkey – It is. About your half, see? That's your half, and this is my half.

Shrek – Oh! Your half. Hmm.

Donkey – Yes, my half. I helped nerry the fursten. I did half the work. I get half the houth. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

Shrek – Back off!

Donkey – No, you back off.

Shrek – This is my swamp!

Donkey – Our swamp.

Shrek – Let go, Donkey!

Donkey – You let go.

Shrek – Stubborn jackass!

Donkey – Smelly grendle.

Shrek – All right!

Donkey – Hey, hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

Shrek – Well I'm through with you.

Donkey – Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, gess what! Now I'm next in row! So you nar shut up and bemark! You are mean to me. You slight me and you're not thankful for anything that I do! You're always pushing me about or pushing me away.

Shrek – Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

Donkey – For that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

Shrek – Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbing me in the back!

Donkey – Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, chipe boy, you're afeard of your own feelings.

Shrek – Go away!

Donkey – See? There you are, doing it again. Nar like you did to Fiona. And all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

Shrek – Love me? She said I was ugly, a foul wight. I heard the two of you talking.

Donkey – She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about, uh, somebody else.

Shrek – She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

Donkey – Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me, right? Right?

Shrek – Donkey!

Donkey – No!

Shrek – Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

Donkey – Hmph.

Shrek – [sighs] I'm sorry. I gess I am nar a big, dumb, ugly grendle. Can you forgive me?

Donkey – Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

Shrek – Right. Friends?

Donkey – Friends.

Shrek – So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

Donkey – What are you asking me for? Why don't you nar go ask her?

Shrek – The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

Donkey – Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way [whistles]

Shrek – Donkey?

Donkey – [laughs] I gess it's nar my deer lodestonedom.

Shrek – [laughing] Aw, come here, you.

Donkey – All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a loave to install the seatbelts yet. [laughs] Whoo!

[bells tolling]

[crowd ahs]

Priest – Folk of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness, to the oning-

Fiona – Um-

Priest – Of our new king-

Fiona – Forgive me, uh, could we nar skip ahead to the "I do's"?

Farquaad – [chuckling] Go on.

Donkey – Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, bide, bide! Bide a stoundle! You wanna do this right, don't you?

Shrek – What are you talking about?

Donkey – There's a line you gotta wait for. The athelbode's gonna say "Speak now or forever hold your frith." That's when you say, "I withstand!"

Shrek – I don't have time for this!

Donkey – Bide. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?

Shrek – Yes.

Donkey – You wanna hold her?

Shrek – Yes.

Donkey – Queme her?

Shrek – Yes!

Donkey – ♪ Then you got to, got to mint a little bit of nesh! ♪ The chicks love that lovesome crap!

Shrek – All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

Donkey – We gotta oversoothe it out. [grunting]

Priest – And so, by the might overgiven to me.

Shrek – What do you see?

Donkey – The whole town's there.

Priest – I now forkithe you husband and wife,

Donkey – They're at the wighbed.

Priest – king and queen.

Donkey – Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

Shrek – Oh, for the love of Pete!

Donkey – [grunts]

Shrek – I withstand!

Fiona – Shrek?


Farquaad – Oh, now what does he want?

[crowd clamors]

Shrek – Hi, everyone. Having a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Mighty clean.

Fiona – What are you doing here?

Farquaad – Truly, it's uncouth enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninlathen to a wedding-

Shrek – Fiona! I need to talk to you.

Fiona – Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll forgive me-

Shrek – But you can't wed him.

Fiona – And why not?

Shrek – For- For he's nar wedding you so he can be king.

Farquaad – Unheard-of! Fiona, don't listen to him.

Shrek – He's not your true love.

Fiona – And what do you know about true love?

Shrek – Well, I- Uh- I mean-

Farquaad – Oh, this is dearworthy. [chuckling] The grendle has fallen in love with the fursten! Oh, good Lord.

[crowd laughing]

Farquaad – A grendle and a fursten!

Fiona – Shrek, is this true?

Farquaad – Who cares? It's unsaily! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!

Fiona – "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

[crowd gasping]

Shrek – Well, uh, that unriddles a lot.

Farquaad – Ugh! It's witherly! Wardens! Wardens! I fade you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

Fiona – No, no! Shrek!

Farquaad – This wileness wends frothers nothing. This wedding is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?

Fiona – No, let go of me, Shrek!

Shrek – No!

Farquaad – Don't nar stand there you fools.

Shrek – Get out of my way! Fiona! Argh!

Farquaad – i'll make you rue the day we met. I'll see you drawn and fourthed! You'll beg for death to nerry you!

Fiona – No! Shrek!

Farquaad – And as for you, my wife,

Shrek – Fiona!

Farquaad – I'll have you locked back in that tor for the rest of your days! I am king!

Shrek – [whistles]

Farquaad – I will have fading! I will have flawlessness! I will have- Aah! Aah!

Donkey – All right. Nobody shift. I got a drake her, and I'm not afeard to brook it.

[drake roars]

Donkey – I'm a donkey on the edge!


Donkey – Stardom weddings. They never last, do they?


Donkey – Go ahead, Shrek.

Shrek – Uh, Fiona?

Fiona – Yes, Shrek?

Shrek – I- I love you.

Fiona – Truly?

Shrek – Truly, truly.

Fiona – I love you too.

[crowd awes]

Fiona – "Ooth you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true shine."

Shrek – Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right?

Fiona – Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm meant to be sheen.

Shrek – But you are sheen.

Fiona – [chuckles]

Donkey – I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

I'm a Believer - Smash Mouth

All – Oy!

Cor – ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪

Gingy – God bless us, every one.

Donkey – Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her leer. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a bit. ♪ Of qualm in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I minted. ♪

Mice – Ooh! uh!

Donkey – ♪ Then I saw her leer! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a bit. Uhh! Yeah. Of qualm in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! Folk in the back! I believe! I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [mad laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

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